Some Day I will be "LYF-LYK"

Oh, look at this, and just tell me it's NOT the color of orange juice squeezed in HEAVEN!

Some day when you are beyond the fear of skin cancer, you may finally get that tan. Some day, the mortician may dip his brush into pure Florida sunshine, and send you off to the land of easy retirement.

It's really not so bad considering the other colors available: "light," "dark," and "flesh." Lip wax comes in the color "straw," because we all blow away in the dry wind.

Obviously I have been spending too much time browsing embalming catalogs. The afore mentioned are from the charmingly named Frigid Fluid. They are all part of their "Lyf-Lyk" cosmetic line, perhaps because truth in adversing forbids them to actually call them "lifelike," making "lyf-lyk" the whimsical third cousin to "alive."



Other stocking stuffers include these CALVARIUM CLAMPS. The calvarium is basically the dome of the skull, the part Dr. Frankenstein lopped off when when he left Boris Karloff flat-topped. If he'd wanted to put the cap back, he could have used these to hold it snug. Humbler morticians not bent on capturing the Promethean flame, use these to snap it back after a coroner's popped the top to have a look at the brain.

And these?



Some kind of a sex toy?

Not unless there is something very, very wrong with you that you'd best keep secret. They're eyecaps -- "PERFECTION EYECAPS" according to the catalog Hepburn Superior catalog from which these last few came. What they're "perfect" at doing is holding the eyelid shut so mourners won't perchance lock eyes with Destiny. Plop them over that glassy cornea, and just pull down the lid. The secret's in the prongs.

Enough for now. I've got to get some shut-eye myself.